Emma and AJ in Middle Earth
by Columbia-lover
Summary: Emma and AJ visit Middle Earth and join the fellowship. Written from 12 to 3 in the morning by me and my friend. There's humour,naked time, and even some romance. Check it out!


A long, long time ago in Middle Earth..... Well I guess it wasn't that long ago a long, long time ago in Middle Earth, well I guess it wasn't too long ago, since it did happen last month. So I guess depending on how long a month is..... Anyways back to the story.  
  
Since Middle Earth was going to HELL b/c of some very tacky ring, Lord Elrond (the lord of Rivendalle, who likes to grabs little hobbits butts) deiced that he was going to send some people to destroy the ring of tackiness. The people chosen for this mission..... Quest.... THING, where Aragorn, the guy who is sleeping with Elronds daughter and who is suppose to be King whenever he returns to his home land; Legolas aka Legosexyass, he was to represent the elves, being form Mirkwood and all; Gimil, a dwarf who ended up as Legolas' sex toy one long cold night; Gandalf, some weird guy who was a lesbian in another life who knows magic, we think he is a wizard but we're not sure; Frodo Baggins, the ring barer and the supposed HOMOSEXUAL; Sam Gamgee, Frodo's sex toy/gay lover; Merry Brandybuck; the HOT hobbit with the cute nose; Pippin Took, the dumb one, Merry's partner in crime and one of the hobbits with Merry who get their butts pinched by Elrond; Emma she likes to tickle people; AJ she likes to sneak up on people and scare them half to death; and last but not least Bormir, the guy who always hit on the 2 girls as well as Legosexyass.  
  
OK so enough of the characters, back to the story. So the 11 companions headed off to Modor to get rid of the ring of tackiness........  
  
They headed over The Hills of Much Desire, where they were surprised to find Britney Spears, trying to sing. They were petrified to say the least. "How did Britney end up here?!?!?" screamed Gimli. "I don't desire her she ain't got no beard!!"  
  
The travelers ran and hid in the face of fear. Pippin yelped and jumped into Merry's arms. Merry dropped him and ran to A.J. then tattled. A.J. laughed hysterically and walked right into the path of the horrid Britney.  
  
Slapping war!!!  
  
Britney won leaving poor A.J. alone with Frodo and his gay lover, Sam.  
  
AJ, Sam, and Frodo (HOMOSEXUAL), walked back to find the others. When they found them, Aragorn was over by the tree repeating "I am Aragorn son of Aronath heir of......" Emma tickling Gimli with Bormir watching closely, Gandalf foundling his "Staff", Legosexyass combing his hair and Merry and Pippin putting their clothes back on since naked time was over.  
  
"Where the Hell have u been young lady, u left me with these...these...THEM. For sooo long!!! I hate u!! I'm never talking' to u again!!" screamed Emma when she saw AJ coming towards her.  
  
"Dude I was only gone for 10minutes. Besides u think u had it bad, I was stuck with britney and the 2 gay lovers." replied AJ.  
  
So since everyone was back, they started their long hike again. After a couple of minutes of walking' Pippin started to complain.  
  
"Are we there yet??"  
  
"No" replied Emma  
  
"Are we there yet??"  
  
"No"  
  
"Are we there yet??"  
  
"No"  
  
"Are we there yet??"  
  
"NO"  
  
"Are we there yet??"  
  
"NO DAMN IT!! YA BLOODY HOBBIT I HAVE NO FRICKEN IDEA WHEN THE HELL WE R GOIN' TO GET WHERE EVER THE HELL WE ARE GOING. SO STOP ASKIN'!!!"  
  
"Geeze i only wanted to know if was Naked Time yet. What crawlled up your butt and died??"  
  
At this everyone laughed.  
  
"I'm hungry"  
  
"Pip your always hungry!" said Merry  
  
"So I'm a growing hobbit."  
  
"Here have an apple maybe that will shut u up." said Gandalf handing an apple to Pip.  
  
After walking some more...*walkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalk* Gandalf asked, "So Pip, what is this Naked Time??"  
  
Pip answered in his usual (homosexual) way, "It's when you and I get nude, and then..."  
  
"Oh like this? " said Gandalf. On cue Sam turned on the strip music (Homosexual Healing), which he had packed for such an occasion. He did this in hopes of seeing Frodo naked. But Frodo just yelled out, "Oh no, Gandalf! Work with me here. Put that back in there and we'll talk about your issues."  
  
The music stopped with that. "Sam, I didn't mean we can't gat naked for naked time. Take it off."  
  
Enough was enough, Legasexyass the most prettiful, just had to stop the fuzzy beasts before...oh it was too late, Frodo was pregnant.  
  
"Frodo how the hell can u get pregnate??"Asked AJ puzzled at the fact that a hobbit, let alone a MALE hobbit was with child.  
  
"Well u see, us hobbits can.... umm......adapt to our surroundings...if u know what I mean." replied Frodo who just started his morning sickness.  
  
"OH,"said AJ with an odd expression on her face. "So your saying' that me and Merry could go and have our own naked time rite now off in the woods. He can get pregnant and not me! SWETTNESS! Merry let's go get naked!"  
  
"Umm...no it doesn't' work that way. It only works if it's 2 guys," said a disappointed Pippin.  
  
"Pip SHUT UP! I was just about to get laid! You ass I'm so going' to kill u after this." yelled Merry.  
  
Just then everyone heard a scream.  
  
"Bormir get that thing away from me u pervert!! Stop touching me there!!"  
  
As it turned out Bormir was only putting sun tan lotion on Emma and "that thing" was only his big, wet, slimy, smelly well u know...................pet toad..... What were u thinking' pervert!!  
  
Anyways.... it was getting late so the crew decided that they were going to hit the sack in a non-sexual way. For some reason or other, everyone except, Gimli, Sexy Ass, and Aragorn wanted to sleep near the girls, who were both wearing Joe Boxer Winking Smiley Face Undies with matching bras.  
  
"K it's supposed to get really cold 2nite, r u sure u don't want to put anymore clothes on??" asked Aragorn, who was fond of the girls and knew if anything happened to them, he would be in serious trouble with his "lover" Arwin.  
  
"No man, we'll be fine. We don't feel the cold, being half Elf and all." said Emma as she unrolled her blanket, which turned into a luxury bed complete with pillows, blankets, and companions..... Stuffed toys, u perverts. I know2 what your thinking'.  
  
After seeing Emma's bed, Sexy Ass got jealous that she had a luxury suite and he didn't. He thought that he should have one since he was the prettiest by his standard. .  
  
So, he got out his trusty sidekick, Gimli, got some wood. And set to work on his bed after a couple of hours working on the bed it started to look more like a boat.  
  
"Umm leggy, maybe we should look at the instructions," said Gimili  
  
"NNNOOO!!!" interrupted Leggy. "And don't' call me Leggy, that's what my ex lover used to call me."  
  
"Really?? Who was it??"  
  
" I don't' know if I should tell u but.... *whisperwhisperqwhisperwhisper*"  
  
"REALLY?? U and ------"  
  
"Shh, he doesn't know that I'm his father/uncle/cousin...stupid hobbits are all related some how."  
  
" I promise I won't tell.... if u do one thing for me"  
  
"What is it??"  
--------A couple of minutes later------  
  
"OH leggy that feels so good!!! Do it again!!" screamed Gimili like a girl.  
  
------The Next Morning-----  
  
"OK Men" said Aragorn  
  
"And WOMEN, u sexist pig!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Right anyways...we have a couple of choices for our next move, and they are:  
-Take the road  
- Go through the mines of moria  
- Go over the Snow Mountains So what do u chooses??"  
  
"I choose you Pikacu!" said Emma  
  
"WTF??" asked Sam as he held back Frodo's hair while he puked.  
  
"Never mind, daydream," said Emma  
  
"I vote the snowy mountains!!" said AJ as she started getting dressed.  
  
"Ya and y is that??" asked Bormir as he watched with lust in his eyes.  
  
"3 words..... NAKED SNOW ANGELS!!! DUH!"  
  
"I'm with AJ!" said Merry and Pippin at the same time, while winking at her.  
  
"I think we should go through Moria. My lover...I mean ya.... cousin will give us a Great feast with lost of Ale and female dwarf strippers," said Gimli  
  
"I've got the music!!" said Sam.  
  
"I changed my mind I'm with Gimli," said Pippin.  
  
" Yeah me too." said Gandalf, imagining the strippers going' up and down the poll with their beards tucked into their bras.  
  
"Me three!!" said Merry  
  
"Fine then no more sex 4 u." said AJ  
  
"Never mind then. Snowy Mountains it is!!" Said Merry and every one else except Aragorn, Emma, and gimli (who still preferred the female dwarf strippers).  
  
"Right maybe we should let the ring barer decide." said Aragorn trying to get ride of the bad mental images he had in his mind.  
  
"So Frodo what will it be?? Risk being seen on the road; naked snow angels with a slight chance of seeing some hot half elf booty; or Moria with booze and strippers with beards?" asked Frodo to himself though it was said out loud.  
  
"What??" asked Frodo as everyone looked at him weirdly, and as Emma and AJ crossed their arms over their racks?  
  
"Hurry up and choose." said Bormir getting inpatient. "I want to see some booty sometime soon," he added to himself.  
  
"Fine then. Innie Miinnie Miinny Rum, catch a lass by her bum, if she screams let her dream of a time when she was lean..... OK NAKED SNOW ANGELS it is!!!" said Frodo, as everyone was putting their clothes back on after naked time.  
  
As everyone made their way up the Snowy Mountains, Emma and AJ started to sing:  
  
Once upon time in a nursery rhyme  
  
There was Bambi  
  
Pete was cooking' he wasn't looking' and slammy  
  
Babie is dead.  
  
There was blood everywhere, bambi's guts in the air  
  
It was gross  
  
Pete was so sad, bambis' mother was mad that her son was toast.  
  
It was so sad  
  
It's time to say good-bye now, GOODBYE!!  
  
My uncle Steve he has no eyebrows, u can't see them  
  
At least we didn't hit a big fat cow, oh my WOW  
  
We used a suberen as a snowplow  
  
To run bambi down, bambi's dead. Dead.... DEAD!!  
  
The Company only made 2 pit stops after the first couple of hours. The first one was so the girls could go do their business (is PISS) w/o being seen, though Bormir, the pervert that he is was watching and describing it to the rest. "AJ just said that she really wasn't a size 2 after all she's really a size 4." said bormir trying to listen to the girls.  
  
"I knew it!" said Leggy "There was no way that she could be a size 2...look at her muscles and her boobs."  
  
"Everyone shut up!! There's more........ Something about pikachu....... orange gloves....... merry's cute nose....... licking chocolate sauce off merry's sexy body...........stealing Legolas' hair straightener and shoving it up Bormirs butt hole, so he'll stop listening in on private conver..... connnvver...well u know what I mean."  
  
"Conversations??" corrected Aragorn who went to school.  
  
"Yeah that's it. Wait a minute that's about me. SHIT!!! Someone SAVE ME!!" squealed Bormir.  
  
"Stay away from my hair straightener, I got it from my mommy when she went to Brazil." Wined Leggy "I need that, or else Gimli will become the prettiest."  
  
"Here Yeah go Leggsy." said Emma as she winked his way as he handed back the straightener.  
  
The next pit stop was so Frodo could up chuck his 1st and 2nd breakfasts which his bitch...I mean Yeah.... Sam prepared.  
  
For the next leg of the trip up the mountain no one really talked. They just kept to themselves mostly, except for the occasional naked time now and then.  
  
Aragorn thinking' to himself: ok so if I burn off 250calories walking' up this damn mountain, I can 3 grams of potatoes for lunch, then when I get back to Rivendalle my six pack will look more like a six pack instead of a beer belly.  
  
Gandalf to Himself: Man, now I wish we went trough the mines. For some reason I don't' think Emma and AJ are gunna show me some booty. Stupid old man body!! *pout*  
  
Pippin: iamsohungry. mewantfood. Wait a minute merry has food. But merry wont share wit me b/c I stopped him form getting' laid by 1 of the hotties...DAMN IT!!  
  
Emma: Who's that come in' form somewhere up in the sky, moving fast and bright as a firefly. You know who else is fast. Pippin, that boy can really eat fast. lalalalalalalalalalalalalalPIElalalalalalaalal Care Bear's Count Down lalalalalalala Pikacu is so sexy. Almost as sexy as lalalallaal Frodo lalalal wait Frodo's with child lalalaalalal better him then me lalalala orange gloves lalalala PIE lalalala.......  
  
Merry: I wonder if what Bormir said was true?? You know about my cute nose and wanting to lick chocolate sauce off my sexy body. I wonder which of the girls said that..... Man I sure hop it wasn't Bormir..... *Imaginary shower* maybe it was AJ......she's HOT...I hope she would stop looking' at my butt though......I can only wiggle it for so long.  
  
AJ: yummy pie............mmmm naked snow angels......I like pie..... Naked snow angels beside merry..... MEOW!!! He has one fine butt!!! .............DAMN FINE!!! ......... "I like big butts and I can't lie.............PIE!!!!  
  
Legolas: ....................................................................ummm .............. mmmm...........................hmmm......................................... ............ Perfect hair...............WAIT HOLD EVERYTHING...............never mind it's still perfect.............false alarm...............ummmm............... mmmmmmmmmmmm.....................hhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm.................. ............................................................................ ......  
  
Gimli: mmmmmmmmmmmm..............leggy's sexy ass...........mmmm ..................female dwarf strippers.............. On a trampoline........................beards going up and down.............oh Yeah...........oh no.............I think I feel something down under............... oh wait false alarm.........................................beards.................. mmmmm....................................................................... ........................  
  
Sam: I can't wait for naked snow angels.....................maybe I'll get to play my music.................I hope so....................I wonder who the father of Frodo's baby is.....................God I hope it isn't Pippin........ He'd probably act more like a child then the kid would. Maybe I'm the father............God I hope so......................y is gimli touching leggys bum..............................I wish Frodo would touch mine like that........ *Daydreams*..........................mmmmmmmmmmmm  
  
Frodo: man I hate *puke* being pregnant!! I don't' *puke* I don't' understand how woman can puke* deal with this. I wonder who the father *Puke* is.... I mean besides me...*Puke*..... Maybe who ever the father is doesn't want it Puke* so I can rise it with one of the girls....... AJ would *Puke* make a good mom......wait she's *Puke* been eyeing merry....... maybe Emma or Sam.......oh well........ *Puke*  
  
Bromir: I wonder if what the girls said is true.... that they r gunna hurt me....... I want them so bad........ I don't' understand y they have to go after those DAMN hobbits........ What do they have that I don't' ........ Beside personality, a cute butt and........ STUPID HOBBITS........ Well I guess I could always go after Gandalf..... He is a lesbian trapped in an old mans body.  
  
It was almost Dusk when the company stopped for a rest. It had started to snow and the snow was sometimes over the hobbits heads. Since the hobbits weren't use to the snow and since their clothes weren't as warm, Aragorn, Emma, and AJ, took pity on the hobbits and held them close to keep them warm. The hobbits didn't mind this except Sam, who was with Aragorn, because Frodo was with Emma, and he didn't want to be away from his sex master...I mean Yeah...master.  
  
"I think we should try and make camp soon." Said Aragorn as he unstuck Sam from his body.  
  
"Alright then," said Gandalf, "why don't you and Bormir go ahead and try to find some shelter for us."  
  
So Aragorn and Bormir went ahead a ways to try and find a cave or something for them to sleep in. While the others waited, they started a fire and tried to warm up.  
  
"PIPPIN!!" scream AJ  
  
"What?" said Pippin with a blank expression on his face.  
  
"Stop touching my ass!"  
  
"I'm not. From where I'm standing it's not physically possible for me to touch your ass."  
  
"Then whose hand is on my bum??"  
  
"Oh sorry that's mine. I thought it was Legolas'" said Gimli.  
  
"Then why is it still their."  
  
"Because your butt feels nice."  
  
"Well stop it."  
  
Just then Legosexyass came back from going to the bathroom, it was his first time since they left Rivendalle.  
  
"Gimli! How could you! I thought u liked my butt!!" screamed a very jealous Leggy, after seeing Gimli's hand on AJ's butt.  
  
"But I do like your butt! AJ's just feels nice. You should really try it!" explained Gimli.  
  
Leggy puts his hand on AJ's butt and gives it a squeeze.  
  
"Your right it does feel nice." Said Leggy.  
  
"If it feels so nice, why doesn't everybody give my ass a feel!" exclaimed AJ.  
  
"OK!" said the hobbits, Emma and Gandalf as they moved towards AJ.  
  
"I was being sarcastic! Get away from me you freaks!!"  
  
"But we want to touch your bum!" said Gandalf as he and the hobbits moved closer.  
  
"Look a distraction!" said AJ as everyone looked to where she was pointing.  
  
As everyone looked, AJ turned and ran the other way. She ran right into Bormir who gave her a hug and grabbed her ass.  
  
"Get your hands off of me u pervert!!" screamed AJ.  
  
"Hey how come HE can touch it and we can't?!?!" asked Pippin.  
  
"I didn't do it on purpose." Said Bormir trying to sound innocent.  
  
"Yeah right." Said AJ under her breath.  
  
"So did you find any shelter?" asked Emma, who wanted to get the subject off AJ's butt.  
  
"Yup! There's a nice little cave up the trail a bit. It's got 2 luxury suites, a master bedroom, and a honeymoon suite. As well as a large bathroom complete with bath tubs, and yes Gandalf there is peony bubble bath." Said Aragorn.  
  
"So who's going to sleep where??" asked Emma.  
  
"I'm with Frodo."  
  
"I get Merry!"  
  
"I'm with the girls."  
  
"I get Leggy."  
  
"I call Gandalf!"  
  
"I call myself!"  
  
"Why don't we decide when we get there?" Said Aragorn, who was disappointed that no one wanted to sleep with him.  
  
"Fine." Said everyone.  
  
So the company got their packs back on and followed Aragorn and Bormir who lead the way to the cave. When they got there Aragorn gave them a tour of the cave. After the tour was over, they decided who was going to sleep in which room and with whom.  
  
"OK so since no one wants to sleep with me, I'll sleep on the couch." Said Aragorn.  
  
"Now that we're here. Whose gunna sleep where?" ask Bormir getting inpatient (he does that a lot).  
  
"Well I'll pick a number and the people closes to it can have said room." Said Aragorn.  
  
"Sounds good to me. So lets get started, I want to make some naked snow angels b4 bedtime." Said AJ.  
  
"Fine. OK first up is the honeymoon suite. Since it has a king size bed, 3 people can share it. Let me think of a number...ok got one. Pick a number between 1 and 20." Said Aragorn.  
  
"4"  
  
"17"  
  
"15"  
  
"11"  
  
"16"  
  
"1"  
  
"7"  
  
"3"  
  
"12"  
  
"20"  
  
"OK the number was 14. So the Honeymoon suite goes to...Emma, Sam, and Frodo."  
  
"Yahoo!!" said Emma and Sam.  
  
"The next room up for grabs is one of the luxury suites. This is for 2 people. Pick a number between 20 and 35."  
  
"27"  
  
"34"  
  
"24"  
  
"29"  
  
"33"  
  
"22"  
  
"25"  
  
"The number was 28. Leggsy and Gimli get that room. Next is the other luxury suite. Pick a number between 35 and 50."  
  
"44"  
  
"46"  
  
"38"  
  
"49"  
  
"40"  
  
"The number was 45. Bormir and Gandalf get that room. So I guess the master bedroom goes to Merry Pippin, and AJ. If any of you 3 want u can share the couch with me."  
  
"How 'bout...Yeah...NO! I know what u do to girls u share a bed with." Said AJ.  
  
"How did u know that?!?!" asked a surprised Aragorn.  
  
"Arwin told me everything."  
  
"Really? Even about—--"  
  
"Yes even about that, unfortunaly"  
  
"Anyone up for naked snow angels??" asked Sam who really wanted to see Frodo naked.  
  
"YA!!"  
  
So Sam put "Homosexual Healing" on as everyone got undressed, went outside and made snow angels. They made several snow angels until it really started to snow and everyone got cold. So they went back into the cave and took turns taking baths with the peony bubble bath.  
  
"That bath was wonderful! Except that someone kept opening the door." Said AJ as she came out the bathroom wearing a fuzzy robe and glared at Gandalf.  
  
"What, I really the smell of peony. It's what I use to wear in my other life." Said Gandalf as everyone gave him a weird look.  
  
"Man, I hope Emma hurries up in the bath. I've got some serious nipplige here. I swear they could cut glass!" said Pippin.  
  
"You also have some serious shrinkage going' on too." Said Sam.  
  
"Pippin, u know u can put your clothes on. Naked Time is over." Said Merry who didn't like sitting beside Naked Pippin.  
  
When everyone had had their baths and gotten warm, they all sat by the fireplace and talked.  
  
"You know we've been together for a while and we don't really know anything about each other." Said Gimli.  
  
"Well why don't we go around the group and tell a little about each other. I'll go first." Said Aragorn. "I am the heir of Isildor, and have been an outcast ever since the age of 5. I was mostly raised by the Elves. Usually by Galadriel and Celeborn, but as I got older it was Elrond who raised me. When I return to my homeland and become king, Elrond will let me marry his daughter Arwin, whom I've been seeing and sleeping with for the past 27 years. OK Gandalf your next."  
  
"Alright," said Gandalf trying to picture Arwin naked. "I am a wizard, who in another was a lesbian. I'm still a young girl at heart though I do look like an old man. I was transformed into this when I got caught with an old wizards daughter. So enough about me Gimli u next."  
  
For the next couple of hours the rest of the group shared a bit about themselves. Most of them had really interesting facts. Like: Gimli doesn't really know how dwarfs reproduce because you don't always know which are female and which are not, since the females have beards. So he's bisexual and usually prefers the company of men; Sam is suppose to marry this hobbit named Rosie, whom he has fooled around with, and doesn't know if he wants to, since he is questioning his sexuality; Pippin is also questioning his sexuality and really enjoys Naked Time and Ale; Merry, apparently has a thing for pie and elf booty; AJ has a foot fetish, and though she is half elf is mortal and doesn't always have perfect hair; Emma has this thing where when she gets bored she blurts out something, and like AJ, she is mortal and doesn't always have perfect hair; Frodo really wants to know who the father of his baby is and really hopes that it's not twins; Bormir likes any type of booty as long as it's female and he hasn't had sex in a least 3 years; and last was Legolas, who had the most interesting story of all.  
  
"Frodo, I am your father!"  
  
"WHAT?!?! NO my father is Drodo! You can't be my father."  
  
"Well I am. Drodo didn't know a thing. Nine months before you born, I was wondering the lands and met Ur mother at a Night Club in Bree. We got to talking' and drinking. Then we went back to my hotel room and –--"  
  
"That's enough! I don't want to know any more!!"  
  
"But it's a good story!"  
  
"I don't care! You're already going to give me nightmares!!"  
  
When sharing time was over, everyone went to his or her rooms. While Aragorn made the couch into a bed, got into his one-piece pink jammies complete with a butt flap.  
  
In the Honeymoon suite, Sam, Frodo, and Emma were getting ready for bed. Sam and Emma decided that Frodo was going to sleep in the middle. Frodo, who was already in his Blue Silk Jammies, put pillows on either side of the area of where he was going to sleep so Sam and Emma don't touch him in places during night. While Frodo was doing that, Sam was getting into his 'Backstreet Hobbits' pj's and putting curlers in his hair. And Emma was putting on her 'Elfhead' pj's. When Frodo was done making his own personal space in the bed, the 3 of them got into bed.  
  
"So Frodo, how's being pregnant treating' you??" asked Emma.  
  
"It sucks. Sam, will you please rub my tummy. You might be able to feel the baby kick." Said Frodo getting comfy. "That's NOT my tummy!"  
  
"Sorry Mr. Frodo." Said Sam.  
  
In the luxury suite with Gandalf and Bormir, they were getting into their jammies too.  
  
"So Gandalf, your really a girl trapped in an old mans body?" asked Bormir as he put on his pink feather teddy and his pink thong and got into bed.  
  
"Yes I am, and no I don't swing both ways." Answered Gandalf, as he put on his Granny nightly and got into bed.  
  
"But what about Pippin and Frodo??"  
  
"That was an accident, besides Frodo has those beautiful eyes."  
  
"Yeah I know. Can I at least touch your boobs?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Please! Just one??"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"*pout* I'll be gentle."  
  
"OH all right."  
  
So Bormir gently placed his had on Gandalf's boob and.........well next thing you know, their both naked and having wild, passionate monkey sex.  
  
Anyways in the other luxury suite, Gimli was getting into his 'Barney' jammies and Leggy into his green, skimpy, spandex pj's. When they had settled into the bed, Leggy felt something touch his leg.  
  
"Gimli." Said Leggy rolling over.  
  
"Yes?" responded Gimli.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing...I...I just was trying to get warmer. I am so cold."  
  
"Well come here. I'll warm you up."  
  
And for the rest of the night, Gimli was Leggy's sex toy as stated in the 2nd paragraph of this story.  
  
In the master bedroom, which was the only one we haven't visited, was Pippin in his sweatshirt and jogging pants, Merry in his wife beater and boxers, and AJ in her tank top and Joe boxer undies.  
  
"Why do I have to sleep on the floor?" asked Pippin as he was making his bed.  
  
"Because that's where you'll probably end up since I roll around when I sleep." Said AJ getting under the covers.  
  
"And because I don't want your cold clammy feet on my body." Said Merry remembering sharing a tent with Pip when they were younger.  
  
Once Merry knew Pippin was asleep by his snoring, he nudged AJ wake.  
  
"What??" asked AJ not amused that she was woken up.  
  
"I have to question to ask you." Whispered Merry, not wanting to wake Pippin.  
  
"What is it??"  
  
"Well you know when we stopped the first time on the way up here."  
  
"Ya."  
  
"And you know how u and Emma went off into the bushes to do whatever."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well Bormir was listening to what you were saying and telling us."  
  
"Yeah I know. So what about it?"  
  
"Well he said something about my cute nose and licking chocolate sauce off my sexy body."  
  
"*Giggle* un-Hun."  
  
"Which one of you said that?? Please don't tell me it was Bormir."  
  
"Well it wasn't. It was I."  
  
"Oh ok. Really??"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"U really like my nose and want to lick chocolate sauce off my body??"  
  
"OH ya."  
  
"OK. Umm...AJ"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You know how we made Naked Snow Angels...well I think I have hypothermia because of it."  
  
"Oh poor baby. Do you want me to help you warm-up??"  
  
"Yes please"  
  
So since the only why to cure hypothermia is to get naked and snuggle up to someone who is also naked, the 2 of them got naked and snuggled. Just then Merry felt another body next his.  
  
"Pippin. Is that you??" asked Merry.  
  
"Yup. I heard you saying you had hypothermia so I thought I'd help. We don't want you to die, now do we?" Said Pippin as he rubbed his hands against Merry's body.  
  
"No we don't."  
  
So for the rest of the night the hobbits and the half elf, lay close to each other...naked...all night long.  
  
The next morning everyone was up and ready to go bright and early. Throughout the night it had snowed a lot and was still snowing. The company tried to make their way through the blizzard but after a mile they were having second thoughts.  
  
"Ok so who pissed off the Snow Gods??" asked AJ as they stopped for a rest.  
  
"Well the Snow Gods do hate dwarfs and elves, so we'll blame u, Emma, Leggy, and Gimli." Said Gandalf.  
  
"Stop calling me LEGGY!!" screamed Leggy as he gave one of his famous dramatic faces.  
  
"So what are we gunna do??" asked Pippin.  
  
"Lets let the ring barer decide!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Why is it always me that decides??" complained Frodo as Gimli slipped him a $20 bill. "Well lets' go through Moria. I hear there's ale and strippers."  
  
So the company turned around and headed towards the mines of Moria.  
  
"Soon, we'll all enjoy the dwarfs hospitalities. Roaring fires, raw meat off the bone, malt beer, and female dwarf strippers!!" said Gimli breaking the silence.  
  
"Ewwy, I'm all for the roaring fires, but raw meat off the bone?? Eww. Can't we just have small green salads and mineral waters??" asked Legolas, who said exactly what Emma and AJ, were thinking.  
  
"NO! That's not the dwarf way!!"  
  
"Whoa! Simmer down! Calm Ur hormones! Keep it in Ur pants! He didn't mean to offend you. Geeze! Elves are vegetarians, that's all he meant!" said AJ who didn't want a fight to happen.   
  
"Whatever!"   
  
At the company's first rest stop, Pippin called for Naked Time. No one really felt like running around naked so they just watched Pippin.   
  
"Hey AJ!" said Bormir as Pippin started to put his clothes back on.   
  
"What do u want?" asked AJ who knew anything that Bormir usually wanted was just wrong.  
  
"I've got hypothermia. You want to make be better??" replied Bormir with puppy dog eyes.  
  
"What? HELL NO!! Who told you 'bout that?"   
  
AJ looked around at the group, everyone was laughing. But Merry and Pippin couldn't meet her gaze.   
  
"MERIDOC BRANDYBUCK!!" screamed AJ, "I told you not to tell anyone!"  
  
"But...but—" stammered Merry.  
  
"No buts! I never EVER want to talk to u EVER AGAIN!!"  
  
With that AJ turned on a heel and stomped off with Emma and Aragorn right behind her. Merry was shocked; he just sat with his mouth wide open for several minutes. How could he have messed up with the one person in the fellowship he actually cared about? He was so going to kill Pippin for telling the guys.  
  
Once AJ, Emma, and Aragorn came back the company started out again. Gandalf and Gimli led the way with the rest in tow. AJ, Emma, and Aragorn took up the rear occasionally whispering to each other. As the group continued walking Merry would glance back at AJ with a pleading look on his face.  
  
"You're fighting a losing battle, Mr. Merry." Said Sam.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Merry as they stopped for a rest.   
  
"I mean, there's no point in looking at her like that. She's not going to notice. Besides you really hurt her. Actually I'm surprised she hasn't attacked you yet. If I was her I would have 'accidentally' hit with something by now."   
  
"What?? Dude your sick. And I didn't tell Bormir!! I swear on all my pipe weed!"   
  
"Well don't tell me that. Tell her."   
  
"I can't she wont even listen to me, let alone look at me!!"   
  
"Don't worry Mr. Merry, you two will get back together. I'm sure of it."   
  
"Ya but how do u know that? What if she never talks to me again?"  
  
"Oh she will. I read the end of this story. U guys get back together in –"   
  
"SAM! Ur not supposed to know that."   
  
"It's not my fault the editors let it out in the open."  
  
"Samwise Gamgee. You've been hanging' around with Pip too long."   
  
Over on the other side of the rest...area...thing... Emma and AJ were talking' about the same thing (Merry, not Sam reading the story or Sam turning into Pippin).  
  
"Stop glaring at him, Aje! His head is not going to blow off –" said Emma.  
  
"Emma!! Your sick!" interrupted Aragorn who was sitting near the girls.  
  
"Ya I know. Let me rephrase that...His head is not...no wait that's gunna sound dirty too. How about...no...umm...--"  
  
"Emma stops it! I know what you're trying to say. But I think it should pop off." Said AJ, sending icicle type looks at Merry.  
  
"And you thought I had a dirty mind!!"   
  
"Oh shuddup Emma!"  
  
"Anyways so since, your mad at Merry, and since your probably don't want anything to do with him...can I have him??"  
  
"EMMA!"   
  
"What? Oh come on, the guy I was going for is now pregnant. And I think the rest of the guys here are gay...well accept for Aragorn here. But I can't go for him b/c Arwin will kill if I try anything."   
  
"Damn straight she will!" said a thankful Aragorn.  
  
"So can I?? Come on Aje! Pretty please...with sugar on top!!"  
  
"Let me think about it."  
  
So the company started up again. They walked and they walked and they walked.  
  
"Umm Gandalf...I think we've seen that tree before." Said Gimli realizing they were going in circles.  
  
"No we haven't. All the trees here look the same." Said Gandalf not wanting to admit that they were lost.  
  
"Actually Gandalf, I think Gimli is right, for once. I think that was the tree Pippin pissed on." Said Bormir who liked seeing Gandalf mad, b/c he's so cute when he's mad you know. And he's looks so hot and sexy and pretty and witty and gay............  
  
*Editors note: Bormir made me type that. He's pointing his little plastic sword at me. And he's holding my Merry doll hostage.  
  
"Pippin did not pee on that tree."  
  
"Wanna make a bet?? Go smell it. Go on do it. I said DO IT DAMN IT!!"  
  
"Bormir, how many times do I have to tell you your aggressiveness turns me on!"  
  
"Oh I'm sorry Snookums!! Come here."  
  
So Gandalf went over to Bormir, and they well...they... *CENSORED*  
  
"Hey Gandalf, Bormir go off in the bushes and do that. We have virgin eyes over here!!" said Aragorn as he and the others tried to shield the hobbits eyes.  
  
"Whoa, wait a minute. How come u guys are shielding our eyes...what about the girls' eyes?? Hun?? They're almost as young as us!" protested Sam.  
  
"We grew up in Lothlorien. There are things there that you won't find anywhere else. Besides I don't our eyes were ever virgins!" Said Emma.  
  
"SO we're going to Lothlorien right?? Right??" asked Pippin with the biggest grin on his face.  
  
"We might stop there. It depends." Said Aragorn, "Oh look Gandalf and Bormir are back."   
  
"Gimli, u were right. We have seen that tree before, it was the one Pippin pissed on." Said Gandalf fixing his robe.   
  
Everyone looked at Pippin with a disgusted look on their faces.  
  
"What! I had to go." Said Pippin.  
  
The company decided that this was an ok answer so they started out again. This time Gandalf made sure he turned the right way towards Moria. After walking through gunk, slim and sludge. They finally made it to the Gates of Moria.  
  
"So where is this gate??" asked Leggy, as they stopped by a giant wall.   
  
"It's right here." Said Gandalf pointing to a section of the wall.  
  
"Umm...Gandalf...that's not a gate...it's a wall." Said Aragorn.   
  
"No it's not a wall! It's a gate!" protested Gandalf.  
  
"I think your seeing things again. Did you forget to take your medication this morning??" asked AJ.  
  
With that everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. Then Gandalf started to cry.  
  
"Don't worry sweetie I believe you!" said Bormir as he consoled Gandalf, "U guys are so mean! If Gandalf says it's a gate then then it's a gate! And I for one believe it's a gate!!"  
  
"Of coarse u believe it's a gate. Ur on the same medication as he is." Snickered Aragorn.  
  
"Besides u have to believe Gandalf, since u r banging' him." Said AJ.  
  
This made everyone stop laughing. They all shuddered as they pictured what AJ had just said. Just then the moon came out from behind the clouds and shawn on the wall, outlining two doors.  
  
"See I told you!" said Gandalf as everyone stared in awe.  
  
"Oh shuddup and just read what it says." Snapped Gimli who wanted to believe the Old Wizard/Lesbian/Bormir's lover/what other names he has, what was I saying oh ya. Gimli wanted to prove Gandalf wrong.  
  
"It says 'Please Use Other Door'...well I guess we can't use that door. The other door says 'Speak Friend and Enter' and in small print on the bottom it says 'We here at Balin's Mine of Love are not responsible for lost or stolen items. We are also not responsible for unexpected pregnancy, severe headaches, drowsiness, cheating on loved ones, getting injured in bar fights' and the list goes on." Said Gandalf.  
  
"Speak Friend and Enter...I wonder what that means??" said Frodo.  
  
"It means if you're a friend then u speak the password and the doors will open. God u hobbits are so stupid these days." Said Aragorn.  
  
"I think it's from too much television." Added Emma.  
  
"Or too much booze." Said Legolas.  
  
"Or too much sex." Said AJ.  
  
"AZAELIA J ELENSAR!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL U?? WATCH UR LANGUAGE IN FORNT OF THE HOBBITS!!" yelled Gandalf.  
  
"Haha Azaelia. That's a funny name!" laughed Pippin.  
  
"Shuddup...Peregrin!" responded AJ.  
  
"Make ME!"  
  
"Fine I will!"  
  
AJ took on Pippin's challenge and lunged at him sending him to the ground. The rest of the company just let them wrestle for a while since they thought it was high time someone hit Pippin.  
  
"So Gandalf...what's the password??" asked Bormir as he stared at AJ's butt.  
  
"It's...ummm...it's...aahh..." said Gandalf, "Open Sesame!"  
  
"Dude nothing happened. R u sure u know it?" asked Aragorn who was having doubts.  
  
"Of coarse I know it." Protested Gandalf.  
  
So Gandalf went up to the door and started saying random words. But nothing seemed to happen. AJ eventually got tired of hitting Pippin so she and Emma played 'Penis'.  
  
"Penis." Whispered Emma.  
  
"Penis." Said AJ a little louder.  
  
"Penis"  
  
"Penis"  
  
"Can't u use a different word then penis??" asked Aragorn.  
  
"NO!" said Emma  
  
"That's not how we play it!" said AJ.  
  
"Whatever!" said Aragorn.  
  
While the girls were playing 'Penis', and Gandalf trying to get the doors open, Merry, Pippin, and Sam were throwing rocks into the water.  
  
"Hey this is fun. Who would have thought throwing rocks would be so much fun!!" said Sam.  
  
"Dude u need to get out more." Said Merry.  
  
"Hey guys guess what!" said Pippin.  
  
"Oh God. What is it Pippin?" asked Merry who was scared about what Pippin was going to say.  
  
"When me and AJ were wrestling...I touched her boob!"  
  
"Pip, that's not a big deal." Said Sam.  
  
"To Pippin it's a big deal. He's hasn't a girlfriend in a couple of years. So anything involving a girl is a big deal to him." Said Merry as he threw another rock.  
  
"Ya so there." Said Pippin sticking out his tongue as Sam and Merry rolled their eyes.  
  
The hobbits went back to throwing the rocks. Eventually Aragorn came over and told to not disturb the water. So they decided to watch Gimli and Bormir play chess. It was starting to get dark and they still hadn't gotten the door open.  
  
"OMG it's a riddle!" said Frodo after reading the inscription over again.  
  
"What's a riddle?" asked a tried Gandalf.  
  
"The door. 'Speak friend and enter.' Gandalf what's the elvish word for friend?"  
  
"How the hell could I know? I'm not an elf."  
  
"But I just thought—"  
  
"U thought wrong! Go ask one of the elves."  
  
"Umm...Legsie. What's the elvish word for friend??" asked Frodo as he went over to Leggy.  
  
"97, 98, 99, 100. What? I don't know I never used the word. Go ask someone else. And don't call me Leggy!" said Leggy as he set down his brush.  
  
"I didn't, I called u Legsie."  
  
"Oh, well don't call me that either."  
  
So Frodo went over to Aragorn who was polishing his sword and talking to himself.  
  
"Umm...Aragorn." Said Frodo.  
  
"Yes. And what would u like?" asked Aragorn getting out of his daydream involving him and Arwin.  
  
"What's the elvish word for friend??"  
  
"U know what. I don't know. I know what lover is in elvish, and what dirty little mother f***er of a ranger is and what—"  
  
"That's alright I'll go ask the girls."  
  
So Frodo went over to girls who were still playing 'penis'. By now the other hobbits, Gimli, and Bormir had gotten bored of chess, had decided to watch the girls.  
  
"PENis." Said Emma   
  
"PENIs" replied AJ.   
  
"PENIS"  
  
"PENIS"  
  
"Umm...Girls...sorry to interrupt...but I have a question to ask u." said Frodo.  
  
"PENIS!! No I will not flash u for $5 maybe 10 though." Said Emma  
  
"That's not the question, but really??"  
  
"NO. AJ might though."  
  
"What? Hell NO! If it was 20 well I might consider it."  
  
"Really??" asked Frodo, Pippin and Bormir.  
  
"NO. What's your question Frodo??"  
  
"What's the elvish word friend?" said Frodo hoping they would know.  
  
"PENIS." Yelled Emma.  
  
"It's penis?"  
  
"NO. PENIS WACKER!" screamed AJ.  
  
"AZAELIA J ELENSAR! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT LANGUAGE??" yelled Gandalf.  
  
"Oh go do the world and Bormir a favor and go blow the Horn of Gondor!" said AJ.  
  
Everyone stared lock jawed at AJ. No one could believe she said that. Gandalf couldn't even believe she said that. He did ponder the thought though, well until Bormir took him away from the group so Gandal could cry.  
  
"Five bucks says he blows it." Said AJ breaking the silence.  
  
"He wouldn't" said Aragorn.  
  
"Dude u should have seen him the last time he was in Lothlorien. He almost made Celeborn and Galadriel get a divorce!" said Emma.  
  
"Well I'm with AJ then."  
  
"I'm not. Gandalf would never do a thing like that. Especially when theirs virgin eyes around." Said Legsie.  
  
"What's the Horn of Gondor??" asked Pippin as everyone laughed.  
  
"We'll tell u when your older." Said Aragorn.  
  
"OK! Wait a minute—"  
  
"Anyways Girls, what's the elvish word for friend?" interrupted Frodo.  
  
"I'm not sure. I don't use that word a lot." Said AJ.  
  
"Don't you call tell other elves your friends?" asked Sam.  
  
"Nope. We call ourselves –" said Emma  
  
"Lesbian Lovers!" interrupted Aragorn as AJ hit him in the arm.  
  
"NO! How many times do I have to tell u?? AJ's not my Lesbian Lover...Flitwit is." Said Emma.  
  
"Isn't Flitwit a guy?" asked Leggy.  
  
"That's what he wants u to believe!"  
  
"Anyways. I think the elvish word for friend is copain." Said AJ.  
  
So Frodo and the others went over to the door, where he found Gandalf blowing the horn of Gondor.  
  
"Aww...that's not right!" exclaimed Emma.  
  
"Yes! Legsie u owe me and Aragorn five bucks each!" said AJ.  
  
"Do u think u could stop that Gandalf. We think we know what the password is." Said Frodo shielding his eyes.  
  
So Gandalf stopped blowing the horn of Gondor, while Emma threw up. And Frodo walked up to the door and said 'copain'.  
  
"Nothing happened!"  
  
"Well try the other word for friend. Amie" said AJ.  
  
Just then the door magically opened. So everyone grabbed their packs and went inside. 


End file.
